i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
