Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
