The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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