his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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