Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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