Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
