How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
