Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
