Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
