my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
