Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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