I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
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I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
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Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
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