just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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