I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
