Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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