There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
