I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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