The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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