then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
