I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I deserve this hangover.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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