i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
