my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
