i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
