im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
