I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
