david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I said "one day" and that day is not today
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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