a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
