we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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