Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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