I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
