He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
