it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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