I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
