Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
