I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
