my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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