I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
