If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
