so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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