last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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