All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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