someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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