so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
