Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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