Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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