somebody snuck up and got me drunk
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
