Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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