it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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