I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
