I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
