im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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