flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
