Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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