Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
