Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
