There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
