hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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